Man ghosts date after she asks him to fetch her a glass of water at a party, says he felt 'subservient': 'Wow, that really upset you, huh'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 27, 2025 1:00 PM EST

As Stephen Sondheim once penned, "It's the little things you do together that make perfect relationships. The hobbies you pursue together, savings you accrue together, looks you misconstrue together, that make marriage a joy." Life is made up of the little things. Especially in the course of a relationship, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. But its parts matter nonetheless. If you're constantly disconnecting from the small gestures you do for each other, then it's hard to build a healthy relationship. This especially goes for acts of service. It is one of the five love languages, after all. If you're missing the mark on those gestures, then you might miss the mark on the whole affair. 

Of course, this is a delicate balance. Most people don't want a relationship built on a power imbalance, where one is constantly taking care of another and it doesn't go the other way around. 

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    Menu SUMBER MALE P, IPA, WILL HD SHOT & & BONE 58- CIDEN PORTION Supreme.
    via LexScope

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • In this situation, though, one man refused to do even the smallest of acts of service. What ensued left the woman feeling confused, stonewalled, and unsure how to proceed. Would you have abided by this small request? How would you have reacted if the person you were dating said no to you in that way? Read on for the story and see what you think. 

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    AITA for leaving a party because my date refused to get me water?

    I had been seeing someone I met through mutual friends. We'd had good times one-on-one, and when he invited me to events with his friends, I'd contribute to the group dynamic by never showing up empty handed and offering to grab drinks for others.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    Fast forward to a holiday-themed party with his friends. My date and I planned to meet there and hang out afterward. I spent the day cleaning my condo and preparing mulled wine to bring. During the party, people were getting drinks for one another, including me when I served the wine.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    At one point, I was sitting on the couch, blocked in by only my date on one said and many others on my other side. I was tired and didn't feel like tightly squeezing past people I didn't know, so I asked my date if he could grab me a glass of water. He shook his head and after I said "huh" he said,
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    "No. I was just up, and you could've asked before I sat down again." I was taken aback because I view small gestures, like grabbing water, as basic acts of care for friends, but especially for someone you're dating.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    That moment, combined with a long day of preparation, left me feeling drained. Since the party was winding down and I didn't have the energy to engage further, I said my goodbyes and called a ride. My date offered to walk me out and said he felt hurt that I was leaving. I explained I needed to recharge but that he was welcome to come over after the party.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    As we walked out, I jokingly mentioned how him not getting me water surprised me. He replied, "Wow, that really upset you, huh? I have to be guarded about these things, you know."
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    Later, we texted, but he seemed more upset about me leaving than interested in listening to why I felt drained. When I tried to call, he didn't answer. His texts were curt, and I eventually told him I'd let him decompress. Two days later, I called to discuss what happened.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    He said he'd call that evening but didn't reach out until three days later, saying, "I'm not dodging you, I've just been busy." At that point, I was over it, especially since he never acknowledged the misunderstanding or my attempts to resolve it.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    A month later, we finally had a conversation. He explained that getting me water felt "subservient" and was something I had to earn through time and "being in the trenches with him." He also said I didn't understand how busy his life was (for context, I work multiple jobs). I calmly explained that grabbing water for someone isn't about being subservient but a small act of kindness.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    After reflecting, I feel his responses and handling of the situation were disrespectful and indicative of bigger issues. So, is there an a h le here? | appreciate the perspective.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    Cheezburger Image 10460267520
    via Unsplash+ (Blake Cheek)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Commenters provided some important context to help explain why he acted this way.

    haricotvert 14h ago NTA This was some red pill bulls from him. The tip off is not just his use of the word "subservient" but also when he said this is something he has to be guarded about. There is this whole theory on the internet about how men
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    should not give in to "tests" like this from women. Dumbass was too caught up in masculine mind games he created for himself to actually, you know, engage in a relationship. You dodged a bullet.
    via u/Important-Pianist783
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    GoodGirlsDrnkWhiskey 13h ago As soon as I read the word subservient I knew OP had dodged a bullet too. I have to earn your grabbing me water when I can't easily get it myself? WATER???? Count yourself lucky OP. Do not be this guy's doormat.
    via u/GoodGirlsDrnkWhiskey
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    Shells17619 · 14h ago NTA and his use of the word subservient and his need to have his ego stroked for "being so busy" make me wonder if he's the worst kind of chauvinist. Just let him go. Not worth it.
    via u/Shells17619
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    omek_sisi 14h ago NTA, you're within your rights to feel turned off by this, i would be too. It's not like you're constantly asking him to get you things, it's just one tiny favor.
    via u/omek_sisi
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    small acts of kindness go a long way in building a connection and he couldn't even be bothered to do that much? He believes it's "subservient" to get your date a glass of water? Consider yourself lucky, You dodged a bullet.
    via u/omek_sisi
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    AgileSurprise1966 . 13h ago That "need to be guarded" comment was your welcome into a world of weirdness from this dude. Let him frolic in the manosphere on his own. You dodged a bullet.
    via u/AgileSurprise1966
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    blitzen_13 13h ago You are NTA for leaving the party. But you should really think about why you kept pursuing this person for weeks afterwards when they had clearly either lost interest completely or was playing
    via u/blitzen_13
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    some emotionally manipulative game by making you feel you were in the wrong. Don't fall for it. They are not worth a single moment more of your time.
    via u/blitzen_13
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    Cool-Sympathy916 • 14h ago NTA; and I'm getting narc vibes here. Anyone who attempts to manipulate you to thinking YOUR feelings are an assault on them deserves no more air time. To put in perspective: He was not willing to get you a glass of WATER and he's making you feel guilty for asking for it. Please let this guy go and save yourself.
    via u/Cool-Sympathy916
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    • Jellybear135 13h ago NTA. Making mulled wine for a holiday themed party with his friends is such an awesome gift. I would bend over backwards for any guest who brought such a treat. I echo most everyone's comments here that he is probably listening to red pill stuff on the Internet and not really realizing that relationships are reciprocal.
    via u/Jellybear135
  • 24
    wwJones • 12h ago . When I was a younger, dumber man, I was once hanging out with dear friends that were a young married couple. We were all just sitting on couches/chairs watching TV. My male friend asked his wife if she would go grab him a diet coke from the
    via u/wwJones
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    fridge. When she got up and went to go get it I said. something stupid like "Nice." or "That's how you do it dude." dumb. Well, she heard and when she returned and handed him his soda, she turned to me and said "WWJones, btw, I went
    via u/wwJones
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    and got my husband a soda because he asked me too. He's my friend, my husband and I love him. I didn't do it because he's in charge of me or because I'm a woman. I did it because he asked me nicely if I would."
    via u/wwJones
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    I've never looked back. Sounds like your guy hasn't learned that lesson yet. It's not about subservience or some power situation. It's just about being nice to someone you like.
    via u/wwJones

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